Monday, 26 January 2009

• if there was a bridge, i'd jump off it.

  god. i feel horrible. i blacked out for half an hour the other day, and my parents took me to the doctor. so i can officially say, and prove on paper, that i have an eating disorder. and you know what, it doesnt even make me happy, because i still feel dirty, and ugly, and fat. i'm down to 50kg.  and a couple of months ago, i'd be all "omg omg omg yayyyy"

  but i'm not. i feel so fucking weak, and cold, and tired, i just want to fucking die. and i'm not even hungry. ironically, i miss that feeling. the feeling of feeling like i'm losing wieght cos my stomach's growling. or the dizziness. now i just feel like shit. i don't even feel in control anymore, this, this THING is fucking controlling ME!!!!!

  stupid fucking people (like i once was) always carrying on about how little they've eaten today, and "omg, i can see my ribs!!!!" WHAT THE FUCK!!??

  THIS IS NOT FUN.

  I AM NOT HAPPY.

  I'VE PUSHED MY FRIENDS AWAY.

  I HAVE NOBODY.

  I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!!!!.....but hey, it's okay right? this is what i wanted.

   

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