cocaine_kate's Xanga

i'm back....with more diet pills than ever.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:42:41 GMT

wow. it's been long..heyy?

well....i guess i could say that my life has completely changed.

my horse arrives on mondayy :)

i managed to come to my senses with the fact that our relationship was unhealthy. and that i actually DIDN'T deserve to be treated like shit......it was hard........but it had to happen......plus, he cheated on me, so that's over.

i weigh 54kg's. i've picked up some weight after rehab.......but i'm losing it......promise.

...........and they thought they fixed me..............ha.

i got a lip ring && dyed my hair red and black.

i found this boy.

he understands.

&& i think i love him.

but i'm scared....you know?

we've been going out for 17 days.....:)

&& i'm back to:

gum.water.diet pills.supplements.chai tea.coffee.exercise&&of.course.my.drugs.

&&i've seemed to form yet ANOTHER disorder=insomnia.&&i really hate it.

xoxoxopeace

if there was a bridge, i'd jump off it.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:32:14 GMT

god. i feel horrible. i blacked out for half an hour the other day, and my parents took me to the doctor. so i can officially say, and prove on paper, that i have an eating disorder. and you know what, it doesnt even make me happy, because i still feel dirty, and ugly, and fat. i'm down to 50kg. and a couple of months ago, i'd be all "omg omg omg yayyyy"

but i'm not. i feel so fucking weak, and cold, and tired, i just want to fucking die. and i'm not even hungry. ironically, i miss that feeling. the feeling of feeling like i'm losing wieght cos my stomach's growling. or the dizziness. now i just feel like shit. i don't even feel in control anymore, this, this THING is fucking controlling ME!!!!!

stupid fucking people (like i once was) always carrying on about how little they've eaten today, and "omg, i can see my ribs!!!!" WHAT THE FUCK!!??

THIS IS NOT FUN.

I AM NOT HAPPY.

I'VE PUSHED MY FRIENDS AWAY.

I HAVE NOBODY.

I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!!!!.....but hey, it's okay right? this is what i wanted.

day2

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 12:26:14 GMT

-lemon water and ice

-coffee no sugar or milk

-300ml diet coke

yayy

Monday, January 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:45:15 GMT

hi, sorry for not posting in quite a while, i've been trying to sort out the pieces of my life.

he started a new job yesterday as a waiter at some high-class italian resturant. i miss him.

a new girl started at our coffee shop today. her names vicky. i like her, we both secretley don't eat. she's leaving for amsterdam in february.

my piano broke.

my horse arrives in february.

school starts on wednesday.

havnt eaten yet today.

i bought a pink toni&guy straightening iron.

i've lost 5kg's.

i have a headache.

i forgot to kiss him when i left. not that it would have made a difference anyway. he's still there, and i'm here.

alone.

scared.

hungry.

the same old same old.

i wish i could die.....wait..i can.

i just don't have a good enough reason yet.

xoxo

he took the stars out of my eyes.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:03:40 GMT

intake:

-water

-coke zero

-bite of an apple

-cigarettes

ok.bye.

fuck me and my fat ass

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 18:29:51 GMT

so i managed to keep up on water all day, until about an hour ago.

i think you all know what that means....:(

but hey, on the bright side, it was only one slice of pizza and a glass of coke.

whatever.

so, i dunno.

back to square one

i guess

i hate me

i hate my body

i hate that i'm such a failure.

i'm so sorry

diddn't eat yesterday, didn't eat today, not gonna eat tomorrow.

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 10:04:00 GMT

hi!!! ok so yesterday i did pretty good!

-coke zero

-water

-2x water tablets

-3x diet pills

-2x teaspoons of plain yogurt.

AND ...my mom was nagging me to eat the WHOLE day, she's so fucking irritating.

i didn't do any proper exercise yesterday, but i bought a pilates,yoga and arobics DVD's. so i'll be doing that today, and playing soccer with my older brother and his (hot) friends.

GUESS WHAT? i play the piano now..haha, i go onto youtube and like learn songs off there. they have all these "how to's" and stuff. i can play:

unfaithful-rihanna

when you're gone-avril

i hate this part-PCD

aah i love youtube!!! plus, playing piano takes up at least 3 hours out of my day, that i don't think about food. so yip.

omg, yesterday i weighed 130/132 now i weigh 127. :)

thanx everybody for supporting me.

and i'm sorry that i don't put any thinspo up, i dunno how. so feel free explain, if you feel like it. i'm a retard. (not really)

bleh

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 07:19:31 GMT

ok, so OBVIOUSLY i'm not losing any weight...sooooo, for the next 5 days, starting today,i'm going on a water fast. only water and water tablets in the morning. then on wednesday..i dunno, we'll see.

xoxo

i hate her

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:02:57 GMT

i hate my mom.

she's skinny.

she's tanned.

she has great friends.

btw, she probably doesnt know it, but she's making my ed worse.

"don't eat that" "how about some water?" "wow kate, i havent eaten in like 5 days!"

SHUT UP.

but i kinda love her for it...

my friend is bringing me some coke tomorrow. god, i need my drugs. i need my medicine.

i'm kind of barely hanging on until tomorrow...then, i can breathe again

medically speaking, you're adorable.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:01:37 GMT

okayy..so i start today!! yay!!

cw: 130lbs

gw: 100lbs

intake later<3 xoxo

EDIT

b= -4 teaspoons of vanilla yogurt (35cal?)

-1/2 cup of black sugarless coffee (10-25cal??)

l=-water

-coke zero

***sucked on a mint for about 30 seconds, then spat it out.

s= pot of black tea (15cals)

total: 65 calories.

OUTTAKE=

-50 crunches

-20x2 leglifts

-2x25sec chair holds

fucking BAD day,huh? i promise i'll do better tomorrow. just water and cucumber. god i am so fucking pathetic. no wonder he left me here. i don't want to be here anymore