god. i feel horrible. i blacked out for half an hour the other day, and my parents took me to the doctor. so i can officially say, and prove on paper, that i have an eating disorder. and you know what, it doesnt even make me happy, because i still feel dirty, and ugly, and fat. i'm down to 50kg.  and a couple of months ago, i'd be all "omg omg omg yayyyy"

but i'm not. i feel so fucking weak, and cold, and tired, i just want to fucking die. and i'm not even hungry. ironically, i miss that feeling. the feeling of feeling like i'm losing wieght cos my stomach's growling. or the dizziness. now i just feel like shit. i don't even feel in control anymore, this, this THING is fucking controlling ME!!!!!

stupid fucking people (like i once was) always carrying on about how little they've eaten today, and "omg, i can see my ribs!!!!" WHAT THE FUCK!!??

THIS IS NOT FUN.

I AM NOT HAPPY.

I'VE PUSHED MY FRIENDS AWAY.

I HAVE NOBODY.

I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!!!!.....but hey, it's okay right? this is what i wanted.

hi, sorry for not posting in quite a while, i've been trying to sort out the pieces of my life.

he started a new job yesterday as a waiter at some high-class italian resturant. i miss him.

a new girl started at our coffee shop today. her names vicky. i like her, we both secretley don't eat. she's leaving for amsterdam in february.

my piano broke.

my horse arrives in february.

school starts on wednesday.

havnt eaten yet today.

i bought a pink toni&guy straightening iron.

i've lost 5kg's.

i have a headache.

i forgot to kiss him when i left. not that it would have made a difference anyway. he's still there, and i'm here.

alone.

scared.

hungry.

the same old same old.

i wish i could die.....wait..i can.

i just don't have a good enough reason yet.

xoxo